I have somewhat of a routine before writing these posts. First and foremost, I pray. I pray that God uses me and that His spirit speaks through me to bless someone else. I also research; either scripture or internet articles, other books, usually a combination of all those things. I never want to open up and just start blabbing. I want to make sure that I bring you substance. Tonight, while researching the topic of self-esteem in women, I came across an interesting page that I think is worth checking out. It's called the Confidence Coalition. On their main page there is a list of statistics about women and their perceived self-worth. Among the stats: 90% of all women want to change at least one aspect of their physical appearance., Three-fourths of girls with low self-esteem engage in negative activities, such as disordered eating, bullying, smoking or drinking., Suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents and teenagers. Teen girls are more likely to attempt suicide., and Only 2% of women think they are beautiful. These are just a few of the points that they make...a very sad reality for so many women...including me.
I've been plagued by negative thoughts and emotions about my value in this life. I've masked those feelings with promiscuity, false bravado or arrogance, being loud to get attention, flirting excessively. The list goes on. I was recently asked by a man "Why do you keep trying to sell yourself?" after I had finished telling him how awesome I was and that he should definitely date me and not someone else. Instead of just being who I am and letting my inner beauty shine through, I've been brash, brazen, and when all else failed, just a brat.
What I'm learning about confidence is that I don't need or want "self-confidence." I want more than that. You see, self-confidence leads off with a very arrogant word, at least if you're a believer...self. As if we can be great by ourself. Self- as in, self-focused, self-serving...as in, "I got this...I can do this on my own." But I can't. No, I don't want self-confidence, not at all. I don't trust me. I want God-confidence. I want to believe in Him more than in my own abilities. I understand and know that He gifts us in areas where we are to be of service. I know that He gives us free will and we can govern ourselves and make our own decisions, good or bad. I've made enough bad ones to know that I don't ever want to rely on self anything...let alone put my confidence in my self. He deserves it all.
I am beginning to firmly believe that if we (women, men, girls, boys, whomever) start to see ourselves as who we are in Him, as who He created us to be, that we wouldn't have these issues of not feeling good enough. We can never truly be good enough anyway, which is why we have grace, but the Bible says many things about who we are in Christ:
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 139:13 - 14
"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." - 1 John 3:1
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:10
Look at those beautiful, descriptive phrases: "fearfully and wonderfully made, children of God, we are his workmanship." When we don't believe that we are good enough, just as we are, we insult and hurt our Father, in whose very image we are made.
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27
We can't beat ourselves up without hurting Him, too. We can't say we love Him and don't show love and compassion to ourselves. Someone is going to get free off of this tonight! Not believing in who you are in Christ, and accepting yourself as loveable, worthy, beautiful, or of value is betraying your Father in heaven! It's a slap in His face and that of His son who deemed you SO worthy that He was beaten, spit upon, and gave His life for YOU...and me. That's love. There is NO greater love than that.
"For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16
Who are we to not take Him at His word when He says we are worth all that? When He says, "Brandy, you are so beautiful and so precious to me that I died for you." How can I walk around here carrying the guilt and shame of my past mistakes before I knew him, letting those ugly things make me feel ugly? How can I walk around with the heavy baggage of men who used me and let those feelings make me feel weighed down when, through Christ Jesus, I can be purified and they can, too?
The Lord is really doing a work in me right now. I have seen so much growth in just the past few days and I don't want self to take credit. Yes, I do things like see a counselor and work through my issues, but one thing I've been doing a lot of is praying. I recently told someone that I was praying like every two hours...like someone who eats 6 small meals a day...I need it intermittently to stay full. Increase your prayer life. Increase your time in the Word. It WILL increase your belief in who you are in Him, and therefore cause those weights of your past to be lifted. It will give you the strength and courage, not to be arrogant in who you are, but to be confident in who He is!
I don't know about y'all, but I don't know that I'll ever look at my life the same. I've realized I AM worth being pursued. I AM loveable. I AM worth having a call or text returned and not blowing up someone's phone to get attention. I AM worth someone going out of their way for me. I'm worth all these things because of who He is. He created me to be the help meet. My husband is supposed to come find me. I'm not supposed to show up on his phone every two minutes or be all up in his face all the time...not until he has shown himself worthy...not until I see how commited to Christ he is! And not until we have a mutual understanding and respect for one another as being both created in His image and that there are boundaries we must respect. Each of us should be kind to one another and esteem the other as better than his or herself.
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." - Phillipians 2:3
My friend was right. I don't have to sell myself. All I have to do is be sold-out for Jesus and the rest will work itself out. I know that may sound corny to some, but "in Him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 17:28) We don't have to be down and out when we realize that. Ladies, start loving God more today. Start living your lives for God more today. Yes, look at what you can do to make yourself better physically and mentally, but you have to work on your spiritual life...your heart. Believe that He created you for great things and you are perfect for Him just as you are. He will fill the broken places and give you peace. I can testify to that. Be blessed.
A Journey of faith, obedience, and self-discovery...my journey to becoming that "good thing" that Proverbs 31 talks about. Follow me, a 38 year old, never married, single mom as I learn to be that good thing, as I surrender my dating tactics, and my pursuit of a husband and actively pursue God's will for my life.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Dear Future Husband,
Dear Future Husband,
It's been a while since I've written here. I think my mind has just been spinning...all of my responsibilities with work, getting my son out of high school, trying to find my way and really get back to loving ME...just a lot swirling in my head. I had a dream last night that was like a mini-series of the most random events. I've just been trying to calm my mind. I'm looking for a new place to live, and that process makes me think of you. Why, at this age and stage of my life, am I looking for YET ANOTHER apartment? Why am I not in a home or building a home with you? My best friend made a recent observation that in my current aparment, I hadn't done much decorating or getting "settled." She said to me, "you're waiting to build your home with your husband, aren't you? This doesn't feel like home to you, huh? I KNOW YOU." And you know, the not decorating, not unpacking boxes, throwing out things so maybe I don't bring my old clutter into our new life...I think it's mostly been subconscious...I didn't realize it until she pointed it out, but she's right and she does know me, this is not my home. I long to create our home together, our sanctuary, our safe place. I long for you to know me the way she does...to just get me, to be able to read me, when I haven't even read myself.
I think about you in almost everything that I do. I want you to know me entirely. I want you to know that I will get on your nerves sometimes. I talk a lot and have a tendancy to ramble, but I want you to love me, even when I might be annoying. I'm sure sometimes you'll annoy me, too. I want to be able to say that I wouldn't want anyone else's annoying tendancies, but yours, because yours make you who you are...and I love who you are, even if you do leave the toilet seat up. I hope that we are the kind to accept each other completely and who can laugh at our flaws. There will be times when I won't want to talk at all, but will want to just lay on you and listen to your heart beat and hear you breathing, just to be happy that God created you and we're together. I just want to rest in each other's presence and be thankful. I want us to feel safe with one another.
I want you to know every quirky thing about me, like that I'm a huge nerd, really, and that as a kid, I read the encyclopedia for fun. I love watching hot air balloons and I love, love, love nature. I truly care about our world and feel that we have a responsibility to take care of it. I don't litter, unless you count leaving my McDonald's trash in their parking lot for them to pick up. :) I believe we should do our best to recycle and especially not put plastic bottles in landfills. I love taking pictures of the sky and the clouds. I love watching birds and waking up to their songs. I might want bird feeders in our back yard and a swing so I can sit and watch them and think about how awesome God is to have created all these things. I love all kinds of animals and hate to see them mistreated. I might want us to go to Africa one day to an elephant sanctuary or one for oranguatans. Animals and nature are beautiful to me, and experiencing them makes me feel closer to God and helps me see the beauty of His world. I want you to see my face light up when I see God's beauty in the world around us. I look at these things with still an almost childlike awe and wonder. I want to watch the sun rise and set with you. I want to listen to water rippling over rocks and watch the waves crash in around our feet.
There is so much that I want to do and share with you that have nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the connecting of our hearts and minds. I wonder what you want to show me, teach me, and share with me. I wonder what dreams you had that you haven't fulfilled yet. I wonder what you wanted to be when you grew up. I want to know what things you collected or books you loved. I want to laugh and love with you. I can't wait.
Love you,
Brandy
It's been a while since I've written here. I think my mind has just been spinning...all of my responsibilities with work, getting my son out of high school, trying to find my way and really get back to loving ME...just a lot swirling in my head. I had a dream last night that was like a mini-series of the most random events. I've just been trying to calm my mind. I'm looking for a new place to live, and that process makes me think of you. Why, at this age and stage of my life, am I looking for YET ANOTHER apartment? Why am I not in a home or building a home with you? My best friend made a recent observation that in my current aparment, I hadn't done much decorating or getting "settled." She said to me, "you're waiting to build your home with your husband, aren't you? This doesn't feel like home to you, huh? I KNOW YOU." And you know, the not decorating, not unpacking boxes, throwing out things so maybe I don't bring my old clutter into our new life...I think it's mostly been subconscious...I didn't realize it until she pointed it out, but she's right and she does know me, this is not my home. I long to create our home together, our sanctuary, our safe place. I long for you to know me the way she does...to just get me, to be able to read me, when I haven't even read myself.
I think about you in almost everything that I do. I want you to know me entirely. I want you to know that I will get on your nerves sometimes. I talk a lot and have a tendancy to ramble, but I want you to love me, even when I might be annoying. I'm sure sometimes you'll annoy me, too. I want to be able to say that I wouldn't want anyone else's annoying tendancies, but yours, because yours make you who you are...and I love who you are, even if you do leave the toilet seat up. I hope that we are the kind to accept each other completely and who can laugh at our flaws. There will be times when I won't want to talk at all, but will want to just lay on you and listen to your heart beat and hear you breathing, just to be happy that God created you and we're together. I just want to rest in each other's presence and be thankful. I want us to feel safe with one another.
I want you to know every quirky thing about me, like that I'm a huge nerd, really, and that as a kid, I read the encyclopedia for fun. I love watching hot air balloons and I love, love, love nature. I truly care about our world and feel that we have a responsibility to take care of it. I don't litter, unless you count leaving my McDonald's trash in their parking lot for them to pick up. :) I believe we should do our best to recycle and especially not put plastic bottles in landfills. I love taking pictures of the sky and the clouds. I love watching birds and waking up to their songs. I might want bird feeders in our back yard and a swing so I can sit and watch them and think about how awesome God is to have created all these things. I love all kinds of animals and hate to see them mistreated. I might want us to go to Africa one day to an elephant sanctuary or one for oranguatans. Animals and nature are beautiful to me, and experiencing them makes me feel closer to God and helps me see the beauty of His world. I want you to see my face light up when I see God's beauty in the world around us. I look at these things with still an almost childlike awe and wonder. I want to watch the sun rise and set with you. I want to listen to water rippling over rocks and watch the waves crash in around our feet.
There is so much that I want to do and share with you that have nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the connecting of our hearts and minds. I wonder what you want to show me, teach me, and share with me. I wonder what dreams you had that you haven't fulfilled yet. I wonder what you wanted to be when you grew up. I want to know what things you collected or books you loved. I want to laugh and love with you. I can't wait.
Love you,
Brandy
Thursday, March 22, 2012
A Prayer While I'm Single
Dear God,
Please take away my desire to be in love & to be married if that is not what You have for me. I believe You created me to be a helpmeet, but I'm so tired of helping those who don't value me as Your child. I'm tired of the pursuit of earthly love, God. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to be let down. I'm tired of giving my best to those who deserve nothing from me at all, even a passing glance. My heart is heavy tonight, Lord, but I will trust You anyway. Please help me to forgive those who have broken my heart time after time. If it be Your will, let those who have hurt me see the error of their ways and repent to you, if not apologize to me. For those who have wrongly judged me in their hearts, show them that You are in control and You are the only one to judge. Show them that for every flaw I have or sin I've committed, You will yet use for your glory.
I am weary, Lord. My heart and soul ache. You created me to love You first. If it is Your will for me to praise you and serve you as a single woman for the rest of my days, then help me be content with only You. If you do see fit to bring me earthly love, help me to be ready to receive it. Help me to know it. Help me not to build up walls that will not allow real love to pass through. Help me control my thoughts and my tongue. Keep my heart and my mind focused on You, my first husband, and the lover of my soul. You created me perfectly, even if some people don't see it. You know me intimately and you love me completely. I thank you so much for that, dear Father. Please keep my heart from completely breaking under the pressure of my loneliness. I pour out my tears, my heart, and my soul to only You, Lord God. Help me to believe in my worth, not to be haughty or arrogant, but to know who I am in You.
If you have a husband for me, oh God, make Him ready. When he looks into my eyes, help him to see my heart. Help him to see past my past, past my flaws, past my insecurities, and help him not be afraid to love me. If it be Your will, please send me my best friend & my soulmate...the one whose rib I am.
I believe in true love, Lord God. I believe that You didn't give me these feelings for nothing. It is You who created me, You who have allowed me to experience both pain and pleasure. If it be Your will, I am just begging You to please stop the pain. I am so tired of the disappointment, Father.
Please guard my heart from those who only want to hurt it. Guard my body from the same. Give me spiritual discernment to know who is "safe." You know how many have hurt me, Lord. If there is any vengeance to be had, it will be Yours to have. I pray that anyone who willingly hurt me, turns to You for forgiveness and does not face Your anger. Do not let my wounds make me any less of who You want and expect me to be. Don't let my pain change my heart. I like who I am, Lord God. I thank You for who I am. I am fearfully & wonderfully made. I submit myself to you, wholeheartedly.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Please take away my desire to be in love & to be married if that is not what You have for me. I believe You created me to be a helpmeet, but I'm so tired of helping those who don't value me as Your child. I'm tired of the pursuit of earthly love, God. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to be let down. I'm tired of giving my best to those who deserve nothing from me at all, even a passing glance. My heart is heavy tonight, Lord, but I will trust You anyway. Please help me to forgive those who have broken my heart time after time. If it be Your will, let those who have hurt me see the error of their ways and repent to you, if not apologize to me. For those who have wrongly judged me in their hearts, show them that You are in control and You are the only one to judge. Show them that for every flaw I have or sin I've committed, You will yet use for your glory.
I am weary, Lord. My heart and soul ache. You created me to love You first. If it is Your will for me to praise you and serve you as a single woman for the rest of my days, then help me be content with only You. If you do see fit to bring me earthly love, help me to be ready to receive it. Help me to know it. Help me not to build up walls that will not allow real love to pass through. Help me control my thoughts and my tongue. Keep my heart and my mind focused on You, my first husband, and the lover of my soul. You created me perfectly, even if some people don't see it. You know me intimately and you love me completely. I thank you so much for that, dear Father. Please keep my heart from completely breaking under the pressure of my loneliness. I pour out my tears, my heart, and my soul to only You, Lord God. Help me to believe in my worth, not to be haughty or arrogant, but to know who I am in You.
If you have a husband for me, oh God, make Him ready. When he looks into my eyes, help him to see my heart. Help him to see past my past, past my flaws, past my insecurities, and help him not be afraid to love me. If it be Your will, please send me my best friend & my soulmate...the one whose rib I am.
I believe in true love, Lord God. I believe that You didn't give me these feelings for nothing. It is You who created me, You who have allowed me to experience both pain and pleasure. If it be Your will, I am just begging You to please stop the pain. I am so tired of the disappointment, Father.
Please guard my heart from those who only want to hurt it. Guard my body from the same. Give me spiritual discernment to know who is "safe." You know how many have hurt me, Lord. If there is any vengeance to be had, it will be Yours to have. I pray that anyone who willingly hurt me, turns to You for forgiveness and does not face Your anger. Do not let my wounds make me any less of who You want and expect me to be. Don't let my pain change my heart. I like who I am, Lord God. I thank You for who I am. I am fearfully & wonderfully made. I submit myself to you, wholeheartedly.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I'm a Big Sister
I grew up as an only child. I do have two half brothers on my father's side, but I don't know them very well. I've always wondered what it would be like to have a little sister...to have someone look up to me and to be an influence in their life. That desire is actually a part of why I do this...why I write this blog and feel compelled to this ministry. Look at this verse:
"Also, teach the older women to live the way those who serve the Lord should live. They should not go around saying bad things about others or be in the habit of drinking too much. They should teach what is good. By doing this they will teach the younger women to love their husbands and children. They will teach them to be wise and pure, to take care of their homes, to be kind, and to be willing to serve their husbands. Then no one will be able to criticize the teaching God gave us." - Titus 2:3-5
It's part of my calling to be an example to those that are younger or even not as spritually mature as I may be. If this is my calling, then it is my responsibility to behave in a mature, emotionally stable fashion. I admit, I have not always done that, even recently...but I am learning that if I truly believe and profess that this is my calling, then there must be a change in my behavior, my attitude, and my heart. I must walk differently, think differently, and speak differently; not in an effort to be exalted or better than anyone, but to be better today and tomorrow than I was in all of my yesterdays. If I say I'm changed by the Word that I profess to love and to live by, then my life must be transformed and I must produce good fruit.
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I made plans like a child. When I became a (wo)man, I stopped those childish ways." - 1 Corinthians 13:11
"Jesus said, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. He also trims every branch that produces fruit to prepare it to produce even more." - John 15:1-2
I hung out today with a little sister in Christ that I've known for many years. Throughout those years, there were times she needed me and I wasn't there for her because I was so wrapped up in myself and my own problems. There were times she'd call to check on me and I never returned her call, actually, both she and her sister would frequently reach out to me. I always thought of them and felt guilty, but I was just so caught up in my own mess, that I wasn't there for them. I was in a very selfish place.
Today, I hope I was able to make amends for that absence in her life. We talked for a while about relationships and the things that each of us had gone through. I looked her straight in the eye and apologized for not being there when she needed a friend or a sounding board. I told her about this blog and my ministry calling and she shared with me her calling and dreams as well. We had a sisterly bonding day! :) During our conversation, I shared with her how I lost myself in relationships where I had settled and what my dreams are for the future. I also shared some of my past mistakes and how I was now trying to live in a different, better way...a way more pleasing to God. At the end of the evening, after I dropped her home, she text me to thank me for hanging out. She told me that no matter what I had done in my past, that she still and would always look up to me as her big sister. It brought tears to my eyes. It was a confirmation that there is a purpose to the pain I've been through and that there is a calling on my life. I feel so undeserving of her admiration, even as a big sister. I feel like I failed her so many times, but she really exemplifies how we are supposed to love unconditionally, like Christ, and that we are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us even 70 x 7. She could have written me off, but thank God, she didn't. I need her sistership as much as she needs mine! As women of God, we are to cultivate these types of friendships.
On a day when I could have sat moping about how others have rejected me or counted me out because of my shortcomings, I was privileged, instead, to spend it with someone who doesn't require explanations, apologies, or even perfection. It's good to be loved like that...even by your sister friends. It's good to be reminded of how God loves. I look forward to feeding into her spirit and life as much as she has mine. I pray that, as I continue to seek God and His will for my life, that I become the big sister and mentor that He desires me to be and that He allows me to bless many other women through my testimony of the things I've endured. I pray that I make better decisions and that my outward life reflects those choices. I will make mistakes. I will never be perfect, but by His grace, I am being perfected.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." - Ephesians 2:8
© Brandy N. Mayo, March 2012
Follow me at twitter.com/yearwithoutaman
"Also, teach the older women to live the way those who serve the Lord should live. They should not go around saying bad things about others or be in the habit of drinking too much. They should teach what is good. By doing this they will teach the younger women to love their husbands and children. They will teach them to be wise and pure, to take care of their homes, to be kind, and to be willing to serve their husbands. Then no one will be able to criticize the teaching God gave us." - Titus 2:3-5
It's part of my calling to be an example to those that are younger or even not as spritually mature as I may be. If this is my calling, then it is my responsibility to behave in a mature, emotionally stable fashion. I admit, I have not always done that, even recently...but I am learning that if I truly believe and profess that this is my calling, then there must be a change in my behavior, my attitude, and my heart. I must walk differently, think differently, and speak differently; not in an effort to be exalted or better than anyone, but to be better today and tomorrow than I was in all of my yesterdays. If I say I'm changed by the Word that I profess to love and to live by, then my life must be transformed and I must produce good fruit.
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I made plans like a child. When I became a (wo)man, I stopped those childish ways." - 1 Corinthians 13:11
"Jesus said, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. He also trims every branch that produces fruit to prepare it to produce even more." - John 15:1-2
I hung out today with a little sister in Christ that I've known for many years. Throughout those years, there were times she needed me and I wasn't there for her because I was so wrapped up in myself and my own problems. There were times she'd call to check on me and I never returned her call, actually, both she and her sister would frequently reach out to me. I always thought of them and felt guilty, but I was just so caught up in my own mess, that I wasn't there for them. I was in a very selfish place.
Today, I hope I was able to make amends for that absence in her life. We talked for a while about relationships and the things that each of us had gone through. I looked her straight in the eye and apologized for not being there when she needed a friend or a sounding board. I told her about this blog and my ministry calling and she shared with me her calling and dreams as well. We had a sisterly bonding day! :) During our conversation, I shared with her how I lost myself in relationships where I had settled and what my dreams are for the future. I also shared some of my past mistakes and how I was now trying to live in a different, better way...a way more pleasing to God. At the end of the evening, after I dropped her home, she text me to thank me for hanging out. She told me that no matter what I had done in my past, that she still and would always look up to me as her big sister. It brought tears to my eyes. It was a confirmation that there is a purpose to the pain I've been through and that there is a calling on my life. I feel so undeserving of her admiration, even as a big sister. I feel like I failed her so many times, but she really exemplifies how we are supposed to love unconditionally, like Christ, and that we are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us even 70 x 7. She could have written me off, but thank God, she didn't. I need her sistership as much as she needs mine! As women of God, we are to cultivate these types of friendships.
On a day when I could have sat moping about how others have rejected me or counted me out because of my shortcomings, I was privileged, instead, to spend it with someone who doesn't require explanations, apologies, or even perfection. It's good to be loved like that...even by your sister friends. It's good to be reminded of how God loves. I look forward to feeding into her spirit and life as much as she has mine. I pray that, as I continue to seek God and His will for my life, that I become the big sister and mentor that He desires me to be and that He allows me to bless many other women through my testimony of the things I've endured. I pray that I make better decisions and that my outward life reflects those choices. I will make mistakes. I will never be perfect, but by His grace, I am being perfected.
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." - Ephesians 2:8
© Brandy N. Mayo, March 2012
Follow me at twitter.com/yearwithoutaman
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Consider Your End
I've been thinking about that I've already had a couple of "do-overs" on this journey and I've kinda been beating myself up. I KNOW I need this time. I KNOW I need healing. And though I have lots of topics in mind that I want to write about, I've taken a few days to try to get my mind right. I've just needed to try to recalibrate, if you will, and just be still for a bit. I've taken this time to pray and seek God and His will for my life and my ministry. I've been somewhat sad because I haven't felt like I've been hearing from Him lately. I'm scared that I've "grieved the Holy Spirit," but as I write this, I feel that He is urging me on and giving me the next thing to say. How many times can God forgive us? His Word commands us to forgive others seventy times seven, but honestly, how many times can we repeat the same mistakes and keep receiving His love and forgiveness or the forgiveness of those that we may care about?
As you can probably tell, I'm dealing with a very guilty conscience right now. There are times when I feel like a failure in all things relational, including my relationship with our Heavenly Father. I feel like I don't give Him the commitment He deserves...whether it be not spending enough time with Him, not using my spiritual gifts regularly...I feel like my heart wants to serve Him, but my mind is often preoccupied and my body is frequently lazy. :) I make a lot of excuses, but I beg Him to bless me. Then, when I step in line and use my gifts, or get down in my Word...I feel like He thinks it's just because I want to be blessed. I get very confused over this whole thing. Of course I want to be blessed, but I also really, really love God and I do enjoy spending time in His Word. Sometimes I just wonder if He knows that? I feel like I've let Him down with my disobedience, my not listening when I have heard Him, my doing things my own way, my sinning.
I was reading Lamentations today and it scared me. YES, it really scared me. I mean, have you read Lamentations?? Let me just share with you how it starts:
"How she sits alone, the city once crowded with people! She who was great among the nations has become like a widow. The princess among the provinces has become a slave. She weeps aloud during the night, with tears on her cheeks. There is no one to offer her comfort, not one from all her lovers. All her friends have betrayed her; they have become her enemies." v. 1-2
I likened this city being described to how I sometimes feel. At one time, I was extremely popular, had tons of suitors to choose from, and was happy-go-lucky, but as time has gone on, real life set in. It goes on to tell about this great famine and how women have cooked and eaten their own children. Pretty scary stuff! For me, though, one of the scariest things was this, in verse 9:
"Her uncleanness stains her skirts. She never considered her end. Her downfall was astonishing, there was no one to comfort her."
What really struck me was "She never considered her end." So many of us just do our own thing without ever considering our end. We go about our lives saying we love God, maybe we do spend time in His word, but when He does speak, do we really listen and do we take His instructions and carry them out in our day to day? Or do we excuse our bad behavior away by telling everybody this is "why I do what I do"...the "I wasn't loved as a child" or "I have mommy issues" or "I have daddy issues" or "I do this because someone hurt me" or "this is all I know." Well, once we know HIM, we have to start knowing something different. We have to start considering our end. How will our behaviors now, affect us when we are old and gray? Look what happened when she never considered her end...her downfall was astonishing, there was no one to comfort her.
That hurt me today, but it also helped me. That made me think of my actions and where I will end up if I don't change and stop making excuses. I will end up alone, sad & miserable, without ever experiencing love the way God intended or the way I feel it in my dreams. If I chase, pursue, overtext, overtalk, overreact, overanalyze, without considering my end, one day, my end will sneak up on me and it will be too late to change. I'll look back and say "Oh my God, what have I done?" I can't waste another day before I start to allow and actively seek positive change in my life.
What is your thing that you excuse? Are you so hurt that you're just a mean, miserable person to be around? Consider your end. You're going to be lonely, too, because you will have ran everyone off that tried to care about you. Are you permiscuous? Consider your end. A child out of wedlock isn't the worst thing to fear, disease is. Not to mention the hit your self-esteem takes with every "conquest." Are you an over-eater? Consider your end. You will be unhealthy, unable to enjoy life the way God intended, and will quite possibly have a host of health problems that can lead you to an early death. Consider. Your. End.
No matter what your bad behaviors are. Do everything you can to fix them. Start by looking in the mirror and admitting to yourself that you have issues. Then forgive yourself for being imperfect. Everyone has issues, it's whether or not your resolve them that matters. Your issues may have already caused pain in your life. I know mine have, but it's not too late to start working them out. Surround yourself with good friends who will hold you accountable, but realize that, sometimes, you are going to have to fight the battle in your mind with just you and God. There are some things that friends, no matter how well intentioned, just can't fix. I believe that there is a part of our journey that we all must go alone. Just us and God. We have to be still and surrender our fears and insecurities to the one who created us. We have to allow Him to heal the broken places that only He can see and we so deeply feel.
Lamentations does have a part that I simply love:
"My soul has been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. Then I thought: My future is lost, as well as my hope from the Lord. Remember my affliction and my homelessness, the wormwood and the poison. I continually remember them and have become depressed. Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say: The Lord is my portion, therfore I will put my hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for HIm, to the person who seeks Him." (Ch. 3: 17 - 25)
His love is faithful & constant. His mercies are new every morning. Every day that He allows you to awaken and see His sunrise, you have a chance to be better than you were the day before. Don't waste another sunrise. Make today the day you start to change. Consider your end.
As you can probably tell, I'm dealing with a very guilty conscience right now. There are times when I feel like a failure in all things relational, including my relationship with our Heavenly Father. I feel like I don't give Him the commitment He deserves...whether it be not spending enough time with Him, not using my spiritual gifts regularly...I feel like my heart wants to serve Him, but my mind is often preoccupied and my body is frequently lazy. :) I make a lot of excuses, but I beg Him to bless me. Then, when I step in line and use my gifts, or get down in my Word...I feel like He thinks it's just because I want to be blessed. I get very confused over this whole thing. Of course I want to be blessed, but I also really, really love God and I do enjoy spending time in His Word. Sometimes I just wonder if He knows that? I feel like I've let Him down with my disobedience, my not listening when I have heard Him, my doing things my own way, my sinning.
I was reading Lamentations today and it scared me. YES, it really scared me. I mean, have you read Lamentations?? Let me just share with you how it starts:
"How she sits alone, the city once crowded with people! She who was great among the nations has become like a widow. The princess among the provinces has become a slave. She weeps aloud during the night, with tears on her cheeks. There is no one to offer her comfort, not one from all her lovers. All her friends have betrayed her; they have become her enemies." v. 1-2
I likened this city being described to how I sometimes feel. At one time, I was extremely popular, had tons of suitors to choose from, and was happy-go-lucky, but as time has gone on, real life set in. It goes on to tell about this great famine and how women have cooked and eaten their own children. Pretty scary stuff! For me, though, one of the scariest things was this, in verse 9:
"Her uncleanness stains her skirts. She never considered her end. Her downfall was astonishing, there was no one to comfort her."
What really struck me was "She never considered her end." So many of us just do our own thing without ever considering our end. We go about our lives saying we love God, maybe we do spend time in His word, but when He does speak, do we really listen and do we take His instructions and carry them out in our day to day? Or do we excuse our bad behavior away by telling everybody this is "why I do what I do"...the "I wasn't loved as a child" or "I have mommy issues" or "I have daddy issues" or "I do this because someone hurt me" or "this is all I know." Well, once we know HIM, we have to start knowing something different. We have to start considering our end. How will our behaviors now, affect us when we are old and gray? Look what happened when she never considered her end...her downfall was astonishing, there was no one to comfort her.
That hurt me today, but it also helped me. That made me think of my actions and where I will end up if I don't change and stop making excuses. I will end up alone, sad & miserable, without ever experiencing love the way God intended or the way I feel it in my dreams. If I chase, pursue, overtext, overtalk, overreact, overanalyze, without considering my end, one day, my end will sneak up on me and it will be too late to change. I'll look back and say "Oh my God, what have I done?" I can't waste another day before I start to allow and actively seek positive change in my life.
What is your thing that you excuse? Are you so hurt that you're just a mean, miserable person to be around? Consider your end. You're going to be lonely, too, because you will have ran everyone off that tried to care about you. Are you permiscuous? Consider your end. A child out of wedlock isn't the worst thing to fear, disease is. Not to mention the hit your self-esteem takes with every "conquest." Are you an over-eater? Consider your end. You will be unhealthy, unable to enjoy life the way God intended, and will quite possibly have a host of health problems that can lead you to an early death. Consider. Your. End.
No matter what your bad behaviors are. Do everything you can to fix them. Start by looking in the mirror and admitting to yourself that you have issues. Then forgive yourself for being imperfect. Everyone has issues, it's whether or not your resolve them that matters. Your issues may have already caused pain in your life. I know mine have, but it's not too late to start working them out. Surround yourself with good friends who will hold you accountable, but realize that, sometimes, you are going to have to fight the battle in your mind with just you and God. There are some things that friends, no matter how well intentioned, just can't fix. I believe that there is a part of our journey that we all must go alone. Just us and God. We have to be still and surrender our fears and insecurities to the one who created us. We have to allow Him to heal the broken places that only He can see and we so deeply feel.
Lamentations does have a part that I simply love:
"My soul has been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. Then I thought: My future is lost, as well as my hope from the Lord. Remember my affliction and my homelessness, the wormwood and the poison. I continually remember them and have become depressed. Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say: The Lord is my portion, therfore I will put my hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for HIm, to the person who seeks Him." (Ch. 3: 17 - 25)
His love is faithful & constant. His mercies are new every morning. Every day that He allows you to awaken and see His sunrise, you have a chance to be better than you were the day before. Don't waste another sunrise. Make today the day you start to change. Consider your end.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Attention Undivided
"Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." - Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros
So here I am, yet again, having a "do-over." This "Year Without a Man" started in August, and I have to fully say that I've failed miserably, yet in each failure I've continued to learn and to grow. I started this with every good intention and have meant every thing that I wrote about, but I am SO easily sidetracked. Yes, I want to have God's best for me and I believe that He has called me to this "time out," but I keep veering off the path. I have a small dog that I can't let off the leash because when he goes out he is distracted by every bee, bird, cat, or dog that comes by. It dawned on me tonight that that is a perfect analogy for me. I don't need to be on a leash, per se, but I need the Lord to help me exercise restraint. A key thing that I need more of is prayer and time in His word. Before, I would study a little, and I study while I'm writing these blogs looking for the right verse for the message, but I think I need to wake up every morning and say "God, I'm giving this day to you. I surrender my dreams, my plans, my fears, my all to you." I need to verbally remind myself that I'm on this journey and I need to get focused.
Now, to catch you up: The person I last wrote about, the one from my past that I believed to be my soulmate, turned out not to be so. There were so many times that God spoke to me in that relationship (I really can't even call it that) that I really believed that it was him, however, there were also times, times I ignored, that God clearly showed me that person was not HIS BEST for me. That was a relationship that I needed to find closure for. When I didn't heed God's warnings, the relationship progressed negatively and the person actually became emotionally abusive. I was called out of of my name, manipulated by threats of him finding another woman if I didn't do something he asked of me, not physically, but help with things he was working on, or even requests for money. For the record, I didn't give in to any of those monetary requests, but I did allow the emotional abuse to go on for a while and excused the behavior because of what he had been through. It was on one phone call where he was being particularly mean, that I just realized that God doesn't have THIS for me. THIS is NOT my soulmate or husband. God loves me too much to do THIS to me...THIS would be a curse and not a blessing. God's word says:
"The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it." - Proverbs 10:22, NKJV
Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to hurt YOU, in word or deed. Abuse, in any form, is not ok. It was on that phone call, while this man was screaming and cursing at me that God gave me a vision. The vision was of my face battered and bruised. Even after that vision, I talked to him a few more times, but I knew it was over and it was over because God said so. I shredded every letter he had ever written me and every picture we ever took together. I thought about keeping some of the pictures because I was young and pretty in them, but I said "You know what, God is going to give me even better pictures with someone who truly loves me." And I have to believe that.
I recently reconnected with someone via FaceBook who I also took an interest in. I have to be honest, I threw this year without a man out the window. I started thinking, "I'm turning into a boring person sitting in the house, not dating, not going out, not meeting men. I have no life. I am such a loser." All those thoughts were, they were tricks of the enemy to keep me from fulfilling my purpose and from receiving the healing that will ultimately come from this jouney. So, this new man, also from my past, someone I had merely crossed paths with, he is charming, smart, handsome, kind, loves God, I could go on...we were so physically and mentally attracted to each other it went full-speed ahead after our first date. I do not mean a physical relationship of any nature, but the giddy, "I can't get enough of talking and texting you and seeing how you're doing every five minutes" that kind of full steam ahead. We were planning trips and talking about how our married life would be in the first few weeks. In the back of my mind, more than once, I thought to myself that I KNOW how I am, and that I can be aggressive and I can be a bit overwhelming. I knew if I didn't pull back, take some responsibility for the pace of the relationship, that the steam would run out and I'd be hurt and crying again, and that is exactly what happened today. I got a FaceBook message that said we could only be friends, and that he knew I wasn't ready for a relationship because of some of my aggressive, needy behaviors. Of course, I cried, and I tried to plead my case, so to speak, but after hours of that, I had to stop and admit to myself that, for now at least, this is God's will. I have been running from my calling. I confessed this to him later, via text. I told him, point blank, that I am a minister and I'm running from it. I told him that I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and that he was right. I told him that I wanted to appear ready because he is so amazing that I didn't want to "miss out" on him, but as I said to him, "dirt comes out in the wash, and until I allow Him to cleanse me, mine will keep showing through." The funny thing is, on our first date, I wanted to tell him about this blog and this journey, but I was afraid if I did, he would encourage me to stick with it. Can you imagine that? I've been asking God for a man who believes in me and my gifts, but I was afraid to tell this man about my "baby" here because I was afraid he'd actually encourage it!?!?! How completely absurd and backwards in my thinking is THAT??? It just shows you, and ME, what a complete mess I am. I felt like a failure today when he broke things off with me because I actually felt that I did "better" in this relationship. I felt like I wasn't as clingy and that the fact that I told him up front that I had rejection issues would somehow excuse bad behavior. I have some nerve!
As I sat today, crying over my faults and flaws and this experience of "losing" this great guy, I heard the Lord say to me "NOW do I have your undivided attention?" It resounded in my conscience clear as a bell. I knew, that I had to surrender. I have to give all this to God. I titled this entry "Attention Undivided" because God deserves all of my attention. He deserves it all the time, but He's only asked me for one year, and I haven't seen fit to honor that. He has given me almost 39 of them to live how I wanted to, and He's asked me to give Him just one, one tiny year in the grand scheme of things. Time that He wants me to spend just with Him, just so He can show me how to love and be loved. A time where He can heal me and make me whole. Who wouldn't want that? Am I crazy for it to have taken this long? God is a jealous God. He is NOT going to give me anyone else to share my time with if I don't first give all that I have to Him, the one who created me, so I can see how much He loves me. I am overcome with sadness at how I've hurt Him, and at the same time, hurt myself and pushed my journey back.
He wants my attention...undivided...not split apart...not shared with others, but poured out on Him. I looked up the word undivided and some synonyms that stood out to me were: absorbed (He wants me to absorbed in Him.) complete (He wants me to know I am complete in Him.) concentrated (He wants me to be focused and concentrated, my mind stayed on Him.) exclusive (He wants an exclusive relationship with just me and Him.) solid (He wants to show me what a solid relationship looks like.) united (He wants me to be united with Him, to know and to do His will for my own good and the good of others.) Today was an emotional day for me, but a learning day nonetheless. I'm back for my do-over and hopefully to stay the course. I ask for prayer as I prayerfully submit myself to this journey. God bless you all.
So here I am, yet again, having a "do-over." This "Year Without a Man" started in August, and I have to fully say that I've failed miserably, yet in each failure I've continued to learn and to grow. I started this with every good intention and have meant every thing that I wrote about, but I am SO easily sidetracked. Yes, I want to have God's best for me and I believe that He has called me to this "time out," but I keep veering off the path. I have a small dog that I can't let off the leash because when he goes out he is distracted by every bee, bird, cat, or dog that comes by. It dawned on me tonight that that is a perfect analogy for me. I don't need to be on a leash, per se, but I need the Lord to help me exercise restraint. A key thing that I need more of is prayer and time in His word. Before, I would study a little, and I study while I'm writing these blogs looking for the right verse for the message, but I think I need to wake up every morning and say "God, I'm giving this day to you. I surrender my dreams, my plans, my fears, my all to you." I need to verbally remind myself that I'm on this journey and I need to get focused.
Now, to catch you up: The person I last wrote about, the one from my past that I believed to be my soulmate, turned out not to be so. There were so many times that God spoke to me in that relationship (I really can't even call it that) that I really believed that it was him, however, there were also times, times I ignored, that God clearly showed me that person was not HIS BEST for me. That was a relationship that I needed to find closure for. When I didn't heed God's warnings, the relationship progressed negatively and the person actually became emotionally abusive. I was called out of of my name, manipulated by threats of him finding another woman if I didn't do something he asked of me, not physically, but help with things he was working on, or even requests for money. For the record, I didn't give in to any of those monetary requests, but I did allow the emotional abuse to go on for a while and excused the behavior because of what he had been through. It was on one phone call where he was being particularly mean, that I just realized that God doesn't have THIS for me. THIS is NOT my soulmate or husband. God loves me too much to do THIS to me...THIS would be a curse and not a blessing. God's word says:
"The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it." - Proverbs 10:22, NKJV
Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to hurt YOU, in word or deed. Abuse, in any form, is not ok. It was on that phone call, while this man was screaming and cursing at me that God gave me a vision. The vision was of my face battered and bruised. Even after that vision, I talked to him a few more times, but I knew it was over and it was over because God said so. I shredded every letter he had ever written me and every picture we ever took together. I thought about keeping some of the pictures because I was young and pretty in them, but I said "You know what, God is going to give me even better pictures with someone who truly loves me." And I have to believe that.
I recently reconnected with someone via FaceBook who I also took an interest in. I have to be honest, I threw this year without a man out the window. I started thinking, "I'm turning into a boring person sitting in the house, not dating, not going out, not meeting men. I have no life. I am such a loser." All those thoughts were, they were tricks of the enemy to keep me from fulfilling my purpose and from receiving the healing that will ultimately come from this jouney. So, this new man, also from my past, someone I had merely crossed paths with, he is charming, smart, handsome, kind, loves God, I could go on...we were so physically and mentally attracted to each other it went full-speed ahead after our first date. I do not mean a physical relationship of any nature, but the giddy, "I can't get enough of talking and texting you and seeing how you're doing every five minutes" that kind of full steam ahead. We were planning trips and talking about how our married life would be in the first few weeks. In the back of my mind, more than once, I thought to myself that I KNOW how I am, and that I can be aggressive and I can be a bit overwhelming. I knew if I didn't pull back, take some responsibility for the pace of the relationship, that the steam would run out and I'd be hurt and crying again, and that is exactly what happened today. I got a FaceBook message that said we could only be friends, and that he knew I wasn't ready for a relationship because of some of my aggressive, needy behaviors. Of course, I cried, and I tried to plead my case, so to speak, but after hours of that, I had to stop and admit to myself that, for now at least, this is God's will. I have been running from my calling. I confessed this to him later, via text. I told him, point blank, that I am a minister and I'm running from it. I told him that I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and that he was right. I told him that I wanted to appear ready because he is so amazing that I didn't want to "miss out" on him, but as I said to him, "dirt comes out in the wash, and until I allow Him to cleanse me, mine will keep showing through." The funny thing is, on our first date, I wanted to tell him about this blog and this journey, but I was afraid if I did, he would encourage me to stick with it. Can you imagine that? I've been asking God for a man who believes in me and my gifts, but I was afraid to tell this man about my "baby" here because I was afraid he'd actually encourage it!?!?! How completely absurd and backwards in my thinking is THAT??? It just shows you, and ME, what a complete mess I am. I felt like a failure today when he broke things off with me because I actually felt that I did "better" in this relationship. I felt like I wasn't as clingy and that the fact that I told him up front that I had rejection issues would somehow excuse bad behavior. I have some nerve!
As I sat today, crying over my faults and flaws and this experience of "losing" this great guy, I heard the Lord say to me "NOW do I have your undivided attention?" It resounded in my conscience clear as a bell. I knew, that I had to surrender. I have to give all this to God. I titled this entry "Attention Undivided" because God deserves all of my attention. He deserves it all the time, but He's only asked me for one year, and I haven't seen fit to honor that. He has given me almost 39 of them to live how I wanted to, and He's asked me to give Him just one, one tiny year in the grand scheme of things. Time that He wants me to spend just with Him, just so He can show me how to love and be loved. A time where He can heal me and make me whole. Who wouldn't want that? Am I crazy for it to have taken this long? God is a jealous God. He is NOT going to give me anyone else to share my time with if I don't first give all that I have to Him, the one who created me, so I can see how much He loves me. I am overcome with sadness at how I've hurt Him, and at the same time, hurt myself and pushed my journey back.
He wants my attention...undivided...not split apart...not shared with others, but poured out on Him. I looked up the word undivided and some synonyms that stood out to me were: absorbed (He wants me to absorbed in Him.) complete (He wants me to know I am complete in Him.) concentrated (He wants me to be focused and concentrated, my mind stayed on Him.) exclusive (He wants an exclusive relationship with just me and Him.) solid (He wants to show me what a solid relationship looks like.) united (He wants me to be united with Him, to know and to do His will for my own good and the good of others.) Today was an emotional day for me, but a learning day nonetheless. I'm back for my do-over and hopefully to stay the course. I ask for prayer as I prayerfully submit myself to this journey. God bless you all.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Thank God For You
You may have read in previous posts where I have mentioned my remorse that my son is nearly 18 and has had no father in his life. Regardless of the why, I believe it's my fault, even down to who his biological father is, that he hasn't grown up in a "proper" family environment.
While my son hasn't consistently had a father, I did, at one point, enter into a relationship with a man who is still very constant in his life though we aren't together anymore. I began to date him when Brandon was about 9, and by the time Brandon was 10, we had moved into his home where we lived for several years. This man is a wonderful man, hard-working, a good friend to anyone he calls a friend, reliable, trustworthy, but with all of these good things, we just weren't really compatible. For one, there is a nearly 12 year age difference between us, him being older than me. At times, that was very apparent. He was much more settled than I was. I was still very young and wanted to rip and run and do things that, at the time, he just had no interest in. Needless to say, we grew apart and I finally moved out when Brandon was about 14 or 15. Even though we no longer were living together, this man remained a constant friend to both myself and Brandon. He has been integral in holidays and other special occasions and just the day to day of life. He has helped teach and mold my child into the young man he is becoming today. Even still, he takes him to school two days a week and picks him up nearly every day. Sure, they've had their moments of tension, but I believe on their morning rides to school (when Brandon isn't sleeping) that they've developed a bond and a mutual respect over sports and the Tom Joyner Morning Show. They laugh at each other a lot. I could never put a value on what this man has done for me or my child and I don't know how I would have gotten through some of the teenage angst without his help. He has been a huge blessing to both of our lives and I thank God for him.
Today, it was brought to my attention that someone he knew found and read these blog posts and went to him to question why he did so much for my child while I was writing about him not having a father. He was, no doubt, hurt and embarrassed. I am quite upset that any adult, first of all, would take time out of what life they must not have to go search for what they perceive is "dirt" on me and take it back to someone else under the guise of helping them. Nosey much? If I wanted my "dirt" to be private, trust that I would not publish it OPENLY on the WORLD WIDE WEB for all the world to see. This blog is an admission of many, many mistakes that I've made in my life, some which have affected my child, and my desire to have God fix these broken areas so that I don't repeat the same mistakes or hurt anyone else like my friend or my son. Secondly, my son is not responsible for any of my actions or anything that I write in this blog. How dare, whoever you are, go back to the ONE constant male figure that he has in his life, misrepresent my words, and actually question why he does things for this child who isn't his? This is the definition of a busybody, but I bet you think you were just "helping." SHAME ON YOU! There is nothing more selfish than to try to take someone positive out of a child's life. And I'm sure, whoever you are, and with whatever good intentions you thought you had, I'm sure you've got plenty of your own dirt to share. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones is how I think the saying goes. Or here's one: MIND YOUR BUSINESS!!
Yes folks, today was a rough day, but a day that needed to come. My friend is moving on with his life. We are both getting some closure, and I hope that I was able to clear up what the intent of my words were when I wrote past blogs. I hope, with time, that wounds are healed, we are all happy, and right where God wants us each to be. I pray that he and my son will always share a special bond for the rest of their lives. I really wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you, R, for doing what his own biological wouldn't. You've sat with me through surgeries and teenage arguments and sports events and concerts. I know it hasn't been easy, and I know you don't have to do it, but I'm so glad that you did. You've been a wonderful, amazing father figure to him and a friend to me, and it was never my intention to discredit that or you. I pray that God gives you all the good things you deserve throughout the rest of your life and blesses you abundantly for sowing good seed into the life of my son. I couldn't have done it without you.
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